one year ago today my dad went to the hospital for the last time...

one year ago today i left my house early so i could help get my dad in the car to go to his new doctor. we got him in my mother's car. i told him i love him and would see him later. then i went to work. that was the last time i ever saw him conscious. struggling to get in a car in his driveway. so weak that when he finally got in he was having a difficult time breathing. a man who was raised on a farm, a man that could manual labor and keep up with the best of them, a man whose body was tired.
later i got the call that no one ever wants to get. i answer my phone and all i hear is screaming. there is nothing being said that is comprehensible. somehow i was told or figured out that they were on soncy. where i had no clue. i left my kids at the store and went towards soncy. somehow i found them at furrs. when i got out of my car they were trying to get him in the ambulance. time stopped, but it seemed like days past before we got to the hospital. funny how time can do that. while we were waiting in the parking lot a cop came and starting asking lots of questions. didn't he know that i didn't want to answer those questions, all i wanted was to watch what they were doing to my dad. what was taking soooo long. your brain stops working and your emotions take over. you don't think about anything logical, your heart tells you that all the things they need to save him are at the hospital. i did ask the cop what was taking so long. he replied my dad wasn't stable to travel. that scared me. finally we left and the cop told me not to follow to close, not to run red lights, all these things not to do. seriously, who cared at that point? we made it to the hospital and they had him in the er. again it was forever before they could let us go back and see him. the tore his favorite black jacket. they ripped his longhorn shirt.
they take him to icu. they only let a few of us in there at a time so many of us have to wait in the waiting room. time again stops. sometime that night they shaved his mustache. just like now i had a meltdown. i had to leave the room. i was told it would grow back, but that never happened. when i was little my dad had to shave his mustache for a new job. i freaked out and wouldn't go to him, he wasn't my dad. he later got a new job and grew his mustache out again and never completely shaved it again. i still have the hair that they collected after shaving it.
tayte walked in while i was typing this looked at me and asked why i was crying. i told him it was because i am sad. he said no you are sad because your dad died. i guess when you never cry your kids remember the one thing that makes you cry even a year later.
if you are able scroll through my playlist until you get to the song you can let go now. it really is my story. even though i was not and still am not ready.
today is hard. tomorrow will be harder.

tara

people drive me crazy

why is it when the economy sucks, people suck too? i understand that you are pissed that you can't afford everything you want, but seriously do you have to take it out on me? owning your own business is hard on several levels when the economy is in the toilet. people become more demanding, they are not happy with the selection you have. they don't see that you, just like them, are doing everything you can to pay your bills. i actually had a lady come in a week ago and ask me, "is this all the christmas you have?" i ordered 13 different christmas lines. each line has at least 6-10 different patterned papers and several embellishments. that is at least 70 different patterns of christmas only. if you can't find something out of that you are not going to find anything at all. i am getting tired of the gotta have it now syndrome that our society has become. and not only gotta have it now it has to be exactly like i have it pictured in my head. i can't make do with what you have that could be similar. it drives me nuts. it is no wonder that stores are closing right and left.

my neighbor at the store and i were talking tonight. she had a lady come in last week and ask for something to be ready by tomorrow. my neighbor had it ready today. the lady came in and asked her why she was closed friday and saturday. she had come by both days to pick up her stuff but my neighbor wasn't open. that is when my neighbor looked at her and said "so you took off for thanksgiving too?"

if you have never worked retail you don't understand. and if you have never owned your own business you don't understand. i just wish there was a way to tell people you are being a jackass and not have to worry about them bad mouthing you. because i don't care, the customer is not always right.

thanks for letting me vent. i will try not to do this often. just one of those days.

tara

kids-parents just don't understand

why is it that you can have a toy somewhere and your kids never touch it then you move it planning to take it to the shed and they don't want to let it go? we moved the table from their room planning on getting rid of it out so we could move another table into their room. these little stinkers would not leave this table alone. it was like it was brand new and we have had it for years. i don't understand the minds of little boys.

tara

reconciliation

baylee had his first reconciliation today. he is getting ready for his first communion. i was telling someone the other day he was doing this and they asked what does a 7 year old have to confess. well baylee and i were talking about it last night and he found 3 things that he needed to confess. he was in and out quickly so he must have only talked about the three things we discussed. i will leave those up to him to tell. he looked so handsome today. he loves to dress up and look like lee. here he is doing his penance.

father john said he did a great job. he was a little nervous and was thumbing through the book he took in for help, but did a fabulous job. i am grateful for father john. he is extremely patient and sometimes i know i need that.

tara

the christmas season is here

baylee has been begging for us to put up our tree. i am a firm believer in not putting your tree up until after thanksgiving. so today we decorated our house. we have our traditions we turn the tv to christmas music. lee hauls everything in, it's cold outside. lee puts our fake tree together and wraps lights around it. i take the pictures. this year lee decided to wrap lights up the center before putting all the branches on. i do think that made a big difference.

baylee helped lee this year walk around the tree holding the strand of lights. he loves to help put the branches on as well. the other boys found anything they could do but be in the living room, which is hard because there are no video games until after the tree is complete. after the lights and branches are on everyone helps put on the ornaments. i really like to have a tree that you can tell kids decorated, which translates into all the ornaments are grouped together.

baylee putting the angel on the tree.

this year payton fell asleep during the assembly of the tree so he put his ornaments on later. he was imitating the grinch during this time, i got him to put on three ornaments and that was all. the few pictures of me during were taken by baylee. he wants me to be in the pictures as well. i always give him the same speech before i hand my camera over. but i am really impressed with how well he can take a picture. he took 4 to get this one with me only changing one setting. he is not too shabby.

i really needed this day to put me in the spirit. i really dislike the holidays, even more after my dad died. i hate the rush that i always feel: have to go here, have to leave now, now go do this. i am a real laid back kinda person and the hectic time really bums me. the last couple of years have been better because we stay at home christmas day. everyone in their jammies all day playing with the things santa left. i need to be better for my kids sake. we spent the whole day today running errands as a family and decorating as a family so maybe a few more days like today and i will be all the way in the mood.

i'll add the pictures in the morning.

tara

it's not even thanksgiving yet...

it drives me absolutely bananas. people already have their christmas lights up and ON. i completely understand putting you lights up when the weather is nice.

in fact lee and baylee did that last weekend. don't worry we only left baylee up there for the afternoon and then went back after him. he didn't yell too much.

but come on. let thanksgiving be over before you turn them on. why don't you just leave them on all year round? it seems each year it gets earlier and earlier that stores put christmas stuff out to sell and people start decorating earlier and earlier. enjoy the holiday that is here and quit hoping for the next one.

not really. we didn't even leave the yard the whole time he was on the roof.

i remember putting the christmas lights up with my dad. he would put me on his shoulders and we would walk along the house sticking the lights up there. i remember being really scared and thinking that he was going to drop me. but he never did. he may have moved a little too quickly for my liking but he never let me fall. i hope baylee has those same memories some day.

sorry for the rant.

tara

dinner tonight

we went to eat dinner at logan's. while we were there lee gets a call from a friend saying they are playing cards. lee tells him he'll be there and hangs up.

baylee looks at him and asks "who's gonna watch us?"
lee looks at him,
"you have a mother."
"oh."

lee laughs at me and says i want you to blog that. implying that i am never around the boys. apparently the time from 8 am until he picks them up at 5pm doesn't count as time with the boys. and from 5pm until 9pm when they go to bed is days long. even if i get home at 11pm we are both with them until they go to school. baylee just thought that i had more stuff to do at the store and wasn't going home with them.

so i blogged that. he can't say that i don't tell all the stories.

tara