everyone else is doing it...

since everyone else is posting on the weather i thought i would follow suit. it snowed yesterday(ours was here before we went to school-teasing aaron trying to get sympathy from rebecca) and baylee asked me "what is your favorite thing about snow?" that is his thing lately, asking my favorite this or my favorite that. i have intentions of one day making a list of a lot of my favorites. i always get those emails that ask and i am bad about sending them back. i need to take the time to do it. anyway, back to baylee's question. my answer was that it doesn't snow all the time. i think i broke his heart. i had to explain how hard it was to drive in snow, you have to get up earlier than usual when it snows, and remind him how much i hate being cold. that didn't work. he had that excitement that kids get about the snow and wanted me to have it too. he asked several times what my favorite thing about snow was until i gave in and came up with something he approved of. here is to a winter of little snow.

tara

horrible grandchild

once every two weeks for a long time i would go to my grandma's house and clean. then i bought the store and i quit cleaning. i miss the talks with my grandma. she would follow me from room to room and we would talk about whatever or whoever. the boys would go with me and play with her. i got some great pictures of her and the boys. i am sure these will be some of the pictures i cherish for the rest of my life.

now to the title of this post. she has moved in with my aunt and uncle. i don't go visit like a should, hence the horrible grandchild. part of it is that i don't make the time like i should. it is a lot more convenient with her being in amarillo, but i still don't go visit. the other part is that i guess it is confirmation that she is not doing well. her being in cindy's house. they tried to get as much of the furniture from the farm in that one room and it is scary how much like the farm that one room looks. that is the excuse i use to make myself feel better. you have pictures of how things are supposed to be and this new image does not fit that picture.

so i am making a new year's resolution at the end of the year. so i guess it becomes an old year's resolution. i will go visit my grandma. i am not sure how often, but i am going. this week. no more excuses.

i'll let you know when i go.

tara, the horrible grandchild

reasons why i married this man

i am extremely lucky to have lee. he sent flowers on thursday. he does stuff like that. he gets harrassed by his friends, because his friends don't think about things like that. and of course their wives make comments, which they should. he spends time with his kids and it shows. we went out the other night when the planets were next to the moon and looked through baylee's telescope. that is something that i wouldn't have done on my own, it was cold.

baylee is observant like that too. i hope that he learns lots from his dad on how to treat the woman he marries. he is learning to be a great father too(hopefully we still have decades before that happens.) he cares for his brothers. in fact last night he wanted to do something and i told him we needed to eat dinner first. lee and i were talking about what we were going to do for dinner. lee suggested the leftover pizza. baylee went to the fridge, got it out, and heated it up. not just his piece but slices for both his brothers. lee and i being good parents sat on the couch and watched.

lee is a good man and a great father. i am lucky to be married to him.

tara

a year has passed.

a year has passed since i sat in that hospital room that one night, just me and dad. the night nurse was phenomenal. all night she would come in and touch my dad while she looked at those machines. she was patient with me as i asked my questions, she kept my hopes up because during that time hope is what you need. the nurses knew more than they were telling and they were trying to comfort the one person who would remember this time. i am sure now that i was in denial. denial of what was more than likely to be the outcome of this visit. i would sit in the chair. then move to his bedside. then up against the wall. then back to the bed. every time i touched him his back would arch, he would tense up and his eyes would roll to the back of his head. i can still vividly see that image in my head. the nurse tried to comfort me and tell me that there were two possible reasons: one, the medicine they had given him in the er was finally wearing off and he was reacting to my touch, or two, he had gone too long without oxygen to the brain. it was the second reason. sometime in the early morning my mother came back to the hospital and i went home. i tried to sleep because i knew the next day was going to be just as long as the first.

around 8 in the morning the phone rang. lee answered it. after he hung up he told me we needed to get to the hospital. "oh crap" that was all i said. i knew this was the end and all i could say was "oh crap."

when we got to the hospital there was lots of waiting. waiting for amber. it was only fair that she be given the option to be there when dad took his lasts breathes on his own. i found a window and baked in it. the warmth of that window was comforting. i would wait in dad's room. i would leave. i would go back. they had given him more medicine so he wouldn't have seizures like during the night. lots of family came and waited in that one small waiting room. there are so many of us that we could not fit, so we basically took over that hall. we have a way of doing that. i guess there is power in numbers.

the time finally came, we were all there. we each took our turn at his side. to tell him goodbye. to tell him i love you. then they removed the tube. it was the worst thing i have ever seen. and i thought dad's gangrene foot was bad. i will never witness that again. i watch my fair share of grey's anatomy and this is nothing like on the show. to watch someone turn colors, the life leave them. never again.

that night i did the hardest thing i have ever done. i told my oldest child "remember how daddy told you that papa was sick and you needed to pray for him when he dropped you off at school this morning?" i had to tell him his papa died. he looked at me screaming, wailing, crying "but i love papa." if only love could keep someone alive. for a six year old child he understood a lot.

in this year there have been many things that i have missed about my dad.

• the way he would wrap his bottom lip around his upper lip and mustache
• the way he would rest his wrist on the steering wheel as he drove
• how he put his glasses in his hat and set them on the pile of crap at the pharmacy
• how messy the pharmacy was (mark it is not normal and frankly still disturbing how clean it is behind the counter at the pharmacy)
• growing a garden with him (i don't know that i will ever be grown up enough to do one on my own)
• having to tell tayte to hush up when i told him to kiss papa goodbye (he always said papa's breath was bad)
• having dad at my side in church
• having dad at my side at baylee's basketball games
• hearing dad yell "alright, alright, alright" when he was watching a game on tv, at the football field, or playing 42
• the way he rubbed his finger on his thumb
• his daily milkshake
• the way he rubbed the boys hair from the front to the back because he believed it makes babies smarter. it stimulates the nerves in the brain
• his singing even though it was bad
• him pestering the boys all the time
• the love he had for his grandkids
• going to lunch on sundays after church
• i miss people telling me "i saw your dad getting the paper" which by itself is not that weird, the fact that he did it in his underwear is
• i miss watching him brush his hair straight back, i am thankful he never did the comb-over thing
• i am sad that he didn't get to see tayte do the hook em at the funeral home that first day
• i even miss his god awful stinky farts

the list could go on. these are the ones that i wish i could see one more time. all lot has changed in this last year. things are easier now, they say it gets easier with time. i know that my dad is still around. he tries in his own way to let me know. in fact on thanksgiving while i was taking a bath i was listening to my ipod. i had it shuffling through about 180+ songs and this is the order of songs that it played small town southern man, cowgirls don't cry, and you'll be there. i stood in the bathroom crying and yelled "enough i know that you are here." there are certain things that happen that i know he is trying to tell me it is ok. today an ambulance drove right in front of the store, to my knowledge that is the first time it has happened.

i love you dad. and will see you in time.

tara

one year ago today my dad went to the hospital for the last time...

one year ago today i left my house early so i could help get my dad in the car to go to his new doctor. we got him in my mother's car. i told him i love him and would see him later. then i went to work. that was the last time i ever saw him conscious. struggling to get in a car in his driveway. so weak that when he finally got in he was having a difficult time breathing. a man who was raised on a farm, a man that could manual labor and keep up with the best of them, a man whose body was tired.
later i got the call that no one ever wants to get. i answer my phone and all i hear is screaming. there is nothing being said that is comprehensible. somehow i was told or figured out that they were on soncy. where i had no clue. i left my kids at the store and went towards soncy. somehow i found them at furrs. when i got out of my car they were trying to get him in the ambulance. time stopped, but it seemed like days past before we got to the hospital. funny how time can do that. while we were waiting in the parking lot a cop came and starting asking lots of questions. didn't he know that i didn't want to answer those questions, all i wanted was to watch what they were doing to my dad. what was taking soooo long. your brain stops working and your emotions take over. you don't think about anything logical, your heart tells you that all the things they need to save him are at the hospital. i did ask the cop what was taking so long. he replied my dad wasn't stable to travel. that scared me. finally we left and the cop told me not to follow to close, not to run red lights, all these things not to do. seriously, who cared at that point? we made it to the hospital and they had him in the er. again it was forever before they could let us go back and see him. the tore his favorite black jacket. they ripped his longhorn shirt.
they take him to icu. they only let a few of us in there at a time so many of us have to wait in the waiting room. time again stops. sometime that night they shaved his mustache. just like now i had a meltdown. i had to leave the room. i was told it would grow back, but that never happened. when i was little my dad had to shave his mustache for a new job. i freaked out and wouldn't go to him, he wasn't my dad. he later got a new job and grew his mustache out again and never completely shaved it again. i still have the hair that they collected after shaving it.
tayte walked in while i was typing this looked at me and asked why i was crying. i told him it was because i am sad. he said no you are sad because your dad died. i guess when you never cry your kids remember the one thing that makes you cry even a year later.
if you are able scroll through my playlist until you get to the song you can let go now. it really is my story. even though i was not and still am not ready.
today is hard. tomorrow will be harder.

tara

people drive me crazy

why is it when the economy sucks, people suck too? i understand that you are pissed that you can't afford everything you want, but seriously do you have to take it out on me? owning your own business is hard on several levels when the economy is in the toilet. people become more demanding, they are not happy with the selection you have. they don't see that you, just like them, are doing everything you can to pay your bills. i actually had a lady come in a week ago and ask me, "is this all the christmas you have?" i ordered 13 different christmas lines. each line has at least 6-10 different patterned papers and several embellishments. that is at least 70 different patterns of christmas only. if you can't find something out of that you are not going to find anything at all. i am getting tired of the gotta have it now syndrome that our society has become. and not only gotta have it now it has to be exactly like i have it pictured in my head. i can't make do with what you have that could be similar. it drives me nuts. it is no wonder that stores are closing right and left.

my neighbor at the store and i were talking tonight. she had a lady come in last week and ask for something to be ready by tomorrow. my neighbor had it ready today. the lady came in and asked her why she was closed friday and saturday. she had come by both days to pick up her stuff but my neighbor wasn't open. that is when my neighbor looked at her and said "so you took off for thanksgiving too?"

if you have never worked retail you don't understand. and if you have never owned your own business you don't understand. i just wish there was a way to tell people you are being a jackass and not have to worry about them bad mouthing you. because i don't care, the customer is not always right.

thanks for letting me vent. i will try not to do this often. just one of those days.

tara

kids-parents just don't understand

why is it that you can have a toy somewhere and your kids never touch it then you move it planning to take it to the shed and they don't want to let it go? we moved the table from their room planning on getting rid of it out so we could move another table into their room. these little stinkers would not leave this table alone. it was like it was brand new and we have had it for years. i don't understand the minds of little boys.

tara