baylee's first guitar lesson

baylee was super excited about his guitar lesson. i called home because i knew i wasn't going to get here before they went to bed. he told me all about his guitar lesson. 4,4,4, something or other, 5,4,4, this is the g cord, high e cord. i was really impressed in how much he learned in 30 minutes. he even put me on speaker phone and played a little jingle bells. when he was done i told him the jonas brothers better watch out. which apparently was the exact same thing lee said to him. his teacher is here only until february, which means we can figure out if this is a phase and be done or i will be searching for a new teacher. he really does look cute with his guitar.

tara

my grandma

i did go see my grandma tonight. the whole time i was there i kept seeing the same mannerisms that my dad had. i have always thought that of all my grandma's kids my dad was the most like her. her health is bad. she had that old lady hair that shows you really don't care. strangely enough she had the same hair as my dad. i think donnie has the same receding hairline. the kind that goes way back on both sides but stays at your forehead in the middle.

she sits like my dad with her arms crossed leaning on the table.
coughs just like him with that heaving shoulder thing.

it is funny how these things stood out. i am sure that any of her kids or grandkids could relate her mannerisms to their parent. it was refreshing to see those things again even though they are in a different person.

you can tell she is tired.

when i apoligized for not going to visit she said "i know you are busy and you have a lot going on." i told her that was not a good excuse. she said "well no one else comes either, if you don't have time you can call." so this is my nagging you that are family to go visit grandma, or at least call. but you really should go, it is amazing watching her and cindy together. definite role reversal there. it makes you have faith in people that there are still some that don't send their parents to a nursing home.

tara

its iphone girl

that is how my oldest son greeted me this evening when i got home from work. i used to be a gadget girl. then i went away from it. but now i am back. i usually don't spend money like we have been, but i got a deal on this one. this is how it worked:

daniel gets iphone
i get camera
sell old camera to rachael
daniel gets new job at cell phone place
rachael won't let daniel keep iphone because won't work with new job
tara gets iphone as trade for old camera
everyone happy:)-except daniel who has to use a blackberry pearl :(

so baylee now thinks i am cool because i have an iphone. that is my goal in life for my oldest son to think i am cool(not really, i have never really cared if anyone thought i was cool). i really like it. to bad i hardly get any phone calls on my cell phone. but there are so many other things i can do with it so i am super excited.

tara aka iphone girl

everyone else is doing it...

since everyone else is posting on the weather i thought i would follow suit. it snowed yesterday(ours was here before we went to school-teasing aaron trying to get sympathy from rebecca) and baylee asked me "what is your favorite thing about snow?" that is his thing lately, asking my favorite this or my favorite that. i have intentions of one day making a list of a lot of my favorites. i always get those emails that ask and i am bad about sending them back. i need to take the time to do it. anyway, back to baylee's question. my answer was that it doesn't snow all the time. i think i broke his heart. i had to explain how hard it was to drive in snow, you have to get up earlier than usual when it snows, and remind him how much i hate being cold. that didn't work. he had that excitement that kids get about the snow and wanted me to have it too. he asked several times what my favorite thing about snow was until i gave in and came up with something he approved of. here is to a winter of little snow.

tara

horrible grandchild

once every two weeks for a long time i would go to my grandma's house and clean. then i bought the store and i quit cleaning. i miss the talks with my grandma. she would follow me from room to room and we would talk about whatever or whoever. the boys would go with me and play with her. i got some great pictures of her and the boys. i am sure these will be some of the pictures i cherish for the rest of my life.

now to the title of this post. she has moved in with my aunt and uncle. i don't go visit like a should, hence the horrible grandchild. part of it is that i don't make the time like i should. it is a lot more convenient with her being in amarillo, but i still don't go visit. the other part is that i guess it is confirmation that she is not doing well. her being in cindy's house. they tried to get as much of the furniture from the farm in that one room and it is scary how much like the farm that one room looks. that is the excuse i use to make myself feel better. you have pictures of how things are supposed to be and this new image does not fit that picture.

so i am making a new year's resolution at the end of the year. so i guess it becomes an old year's resolution. i will go visit my grandma. i am not sure how often, but i am going. this week. no more excuses.

i'll let you know when i go.

tara, the horrible grandchild

reasons why i married this man

i am extremely lucky to have lee. he sent flowers on thursday. he does stuff like that. he gets harrassed by his friends, because his friends don't think about things like that. and of course their wives make comments, which they should. he spends time with his kids and it shows. we went out the other night when the planets were next to the moon and looked through baylee's telescope. that is something that i wouldn't have done on my own, it was cold.

baylee is observant like that too. i hope that he learns lots from his dad on how to treat the woman he marries. he is learning to be a great father too(hopefully we still have decades before that happens.) he cares for his brothers. in fact last night he wanted to do something and i told him we needed to eat dinner first. lee and i were talking about what we were going to do for dinner. lee suggested the leftover pizza. baylee went to the fridge, got it out, and heated it up. not just his piece but slices for both his brothers. lee and i being good parents sat on the couch and watched.

lee is a good man and a great father. i am lucky to be married to him.

tara

a year has passed.

a year has passed since i sat in that hospital room that one night, just me and dad. the night nurse was phenomenal. all night she would come in and touch my dad while she looked at those machines. she was patient with me as i asked my questions, she kept my hopes up because during that time hope is what you need. the nurses knew more than they were telling and they were trying to comfort the one person who would remember this time. i am sure now that i was in denial. denial of what was more than likely to be the outcome of this visit. i would sit in the chair. then move to his bedside. then up against the wall. then back to the bed. every time i touched him his back would arch, he would tense up and his eyes would roll to the back of his head. i can still vividly see that image in my head. the nurse tried to comfort me and tell me that there were two possible reasons: one, the medicine they had given him in the er was finally wearing off and he was reacting to my touch, or two, he had gone too long without oxygen to the brain. it was the second reason. sometime in the early morning my mother came back to the hospital and i went home. i tried to sleep because i knew the next day was going to be just as long as the first.

around 8 in the morning the phone rang. lee answered it. after he hung up he told me we needed to get to the hospital. "oh crap" that was all i said. i knew this was the end and all i could say was "oh crap."

when we got to the hospital there was lots of waiting. waiting for amber. it was only fair that she be given the option to be there when dad took his lasts breathes on his own. i found a window and baked in it. the warmth of that window was comforting. i would wait in dad's room. i would leave. i would go back. they had given him more medicine so he wouldn't have seizures like during the night. lots of family came and waited in that one small waiting room. there are so many of us that we could not fit, so we basically took over that hall. we have a way of doing that. i guess there is power in numbers.

the time finally came, we were all there. we each took our turn at his side. to tell him goodbye. to tell him i love you. then they removed the tube. it was the worst thing i have ever seen. and i thought dad's gangrene foot was bad. i will never witness that again. i watch my fair share of grey's anatomy and this is nothing like on the show. to watch someone turn colors, the life leave them. never again.

that night i did the hardest thing i have ever done. i told my oldest child "remember how daddy told you that papa was sick and you needed to pray for him when he dropped you off at school this morning?" i had to tell him his papa died. he looked at me screaming, wailing, crying "but i love papa." if only love could keep someone alive. for a six year old child he understood a lot.

in this year there have been many things that i have missed about my dad.

• the way he would wrap his bottom lip around his upper lip and mustache
• the way he would rest his wrist on the steering wheel as he drove
• how he put his glasses in his hat and set them on the pile of crap at the pharmacy
• how messy the pharmacy was (mark it is not normal and frankly still disturbing how clean it is behind the counter at the pharmacy)
• growing a garden with him (i don't know that i will ever be grown up enough to do one on my own)
• having to tell tayte to hush up when i told him to kiss papa goodbye (he always said papa's breath was bad)
• having dad at my side in church
• having dad at my side at baylee's basketball games
• hearing dad yell "alright, alright, alright" when he was watching a game on tv, at the football field, or playing 42
• the way he rubbed his finger on his thumb
• his daily milkshake
• the way he rubbed the boys hair from the front to the back because he believed it makes babies smarter. it stimulates the nerves in the brain
• his singing even though it was bad
• him pestering the boys all the time
• the love he had for his grandkids
• going to lunch on sundays after church
• i miss people telling me "i saw your dad getting the paper" which by itself is not that weird, the fact that he did it in his underwear is
• i miss watching him brush his hair straight back, i am thankful he never did the comb-over thing
• i am sad that he didn't get to see tayte do the hook em at the funeral home that first day
• i even miss his god awful stinky farts

the list could go on. these are the ones that i wish i could see one more time. all lot has changed in this last year. things are easier now, they say it gets easier with time. i know that my dad is still around. he tries in his own way to let me know. in fact on thanksgiving while i was taking a bath i was listening to my ipod. i had it shuffling through about 180+ songs and this is the order of songs that it played small town southern man, cowgirls don't cry, and you'll be there. i stood in the bathroom crying and yelled "enough i know that you are here." there are certain things that happen that i know he is trying to tell me it is ok. today an ambulance drove right in front of the store, to my knowledge that is the first time it has happened.

i love you dad. and will see you in time.

tara