why?

two young men have lost their lives. both entirely too young to be gone. one 20 one 17. i can't even begin to image losing a child. as a mother how do you continue? how do you get out of bed the next day. i keep seeing my grandmother leaning over my dad's hospital bed. crying, saying you aren't supposed to bury a child, you aren't supposed to bury a child. my dad was 58. and it was still so hard for my grandma to understand.

how do you say goodbye to two young men who barely had the chance to live? i picture these boys mother's having to tell their child goodbye. both of them taken so suddenly and not getting the chance to say goodbye and i love you one last time.

so tonight, i let my kids stay up later. i hugged them a little tighter. i kissed them a little longer. and i look at them and i am scared.

i pray that no one else has to go through what these families are facing right now.

both of these families are made of good people. good people that have had terrible, horrible, rotten things happen to them. i know i don't know the big picture, but the piece that i see right now sucks.

tara

unnerware

lee and i have been trying to get payton to wear unnerware (underwear). this is the conversation payton and i just had.

• payton: no unnerware, biaper
• mommy: you don't need a diaper
• payton: yes biaber
• mommy: do you need underwear?
• payton: no
• mommy: do you need to be nakie?
• payton: no
• mommy: do you need a hug from mommy?
• payton: no
• mommy: do you need...
• payton: i neeeeeeeeed ....a biaper.

this could be difficult.

tara

tayte update

so tayte's official diagnosis was he had a seizure. we don't know the cause of it and may never know. he fell out of a golf cart on saturday and hit his head pretty good. one doctor said it could be related another thought 4 days was a long time to have something manifest.

one thing i learned through this was that every sign you have ever been told about head injuries are not absolute. he showed not signs of anything, no unconsciousness, no vomiting, no head aches, and he remembers everything about the fall and the time after. so 4 days later he has his seizure, not the 24 hours that most think are the hours of concern.

how he reacted during his seizure was also something lee and i had never thought about. he didn't start shaking like we thought. he just kinda spaced out, couldn't focus on us for long. he couldn't speak no matter how hard he tried to get the words out. his speech was slurred and he had to fight to get the words out. there also was a long pause every time he was asked a question. it was definitely hard for the question to process and for him to get his answer out.
his right arm hung to his side, he was swaying from side to side, he was not able to keep his eyes in one place and he couldn't walk steady. it reminded me of all the things you here about a stroke victim having, but really can a 5 year old have a stroke?

right now he is as normal as he has ever been, with one exception: he cried when he couldn't jump on the trampoline. usually we have to force him outside to play, but maybe this change will stick. all his speech and motor skills are back to normal. we will never know what the cause was unless he has another seizure. then they will treat him for that other than a one time thing.

i am grateful that he really doesn't remember much about it. i asked him that first night if he knew why he was in the hospital. "i was trying to make my words and they wouldn't let me." he doesn't remember being in pain and he doesn't remember all the prepping the nurses did when we first got there. he was such a trooper throughout the whole thing. he did tell one nurse after she took his vitals for about the 4th time, "you've already done that." he really doesn't forget much.

tara

according to baylee

i really like the hospital because of 3 things.
1. the food-not usually high on people's lists of favorite places to eat
2. you gets lots of visitors
and
3. the video games- while tayte was getting his mri they brought in a playstation. so baylee is in hog heaven.

tara

here we are again

the hospital. i really wish we could go a good looooooonnnnnnggggg time before we have to be here again.

today has been the scariest day of my parenting life. we have made a emergency room trip with payton, but that was completely different. with payton we were acting on the "what if" and trying to be proactive. today we were acting on the "something is going on and we need to figure out what."

i left the house without the boys because i woke up late. lee wasn't going to work until later so he was going to bring them into town to me later. his original plan was to head up just in time to go to his lunch with a client. for some reason they left earlier. lee was going to take the boys to get a donut. when he got to town he noticed that tayte was acting funny. he was making noises and trying to find a place to rest his head. he stopped at washington street and was getting on to tayte because he thought tayte was just being a normal kid and ignoring him. but then tayte started screaming uncontrollably lee pulled him out of his seat and tried to comfort him. nothing worked. lee called me and told me something was wrong and he was getting me and we were going somewhere.

i got in the car and tayte looked bad. he had a glossed over look in his eyes. he could focus on me. he could move his head in my direction when i told him to look at me but couldn't keep looking at me. i asked if he hurt and he could barely mumble a "yeah" but really more like he was breathing out, not talking at all. i asked where he hurt but got no real answer. his right arm hung by his side and he couldn't keep his body upright. he leaned on me the rest of the ride. we went to his pedi's office. he could walk a little but was not steady on his feet.

we went to the dr's office because i felt more confident with them because they know him and all my concerns with him. at the time i wasn't sure if that was the right choice, but am glad i chose that. the only problem was of course we got the new girl behind the counter. talking to her i thought i had made the wrong choice. apparently she didn't get the urgency. i understand that there are things you have to do, but when you have to repeat everything you say it gets extremely frustrating. she went to the back and talked to the nurse. as soon as carmen saw him you could see in her eyes she knew there was a problem. dr williams looked at him and within a couple of minutes she said we needed to go to the hospital. she asked if he could walk and he tried to take the most wobbly steps i have ever seen. we went to bsa and they within a few minutes were filling out the paperwork to get in a room.

while filling out the paperwork tayte looked at payton and yelled that he wasn't playing the game right. i have never been so happy to hear one of the boys yell at the other in my life. but that joy was short lived. we went to a treatment room so they could start all the poking and prodding they needed to do. tayte was such a trooper. he cried very little when they put in the iv. he could still not talk very well. he could name some people but then not be able to name them. at one time i was baylee. when we got to the icu room the nurse had to ask who baylee was.

he went for a cat scan and that came back normal. we came back to the room and he slept for quite a while. he is in an icu room so he can be monitored more closely.

so right now is just a waiting game and no real answers as to what caused his behavior earlier. and he is not acting like the kid we brought in earlier. he is acting like himself. he is watching his favorite movie bolt and repeating all his favorite parts. he is wiggling in bed and being loud and rowdy.

as i sit here tonight i am grateful. that is hard to comprehend even for me. how can you sit in a hospital room and be grateful. the are so many things that could be worse. we have been in this room all day and watched so many nurses and doctors going in and out of the room next door. we have been left pretty much alone. so no pestering is good.

lee is at home with baylee and payton. payton even as young as he is understands some of what is going on. he was gone when we left to get the cat scan and was so excited to see tayte when we came back. baylee is having a hard time with the whole ordeal. he has only known people to go to hospitals and die. he started crying and told me, "i hope what happened to papa doesn't happen to tayte." he saw the sock they put on tayte's arm and started to cry. the sock is there to keep the iv from being pulled out. but baylee had his own ideas of what that is. baylee called tayte tonight to talk to him. to tell him he loves him and to make sure he is ok. after he talked to tayte i talked to him for a while. baylee was concerned and asked me if tayte was his normal self. baylee my gentle heart is too wise for his 8 years.

today has been long. but today ended a good day. be careful what you pray for because it may end up happening but the road may not be the path you wanted.

thank you to everyone who came by, called, sent well wishes. most of all thank you for the prayers.

tara

the things tayte says

tayte: mom, can i sit in your lap
me: no
tayte: i love you
me: i love you too
tayte: so that means i can sit in your lap?

tayte: baylee can i have a hug
baylee: yes
tayte: when you squeeze someone you say, "and i can just squeeeeeze"

he comes up with some of the funniest things. they may not be funny to anyone but me, but maybe that is because we have the same sense of humor.

tara

pool time

we haven't been spending as much time at the pool as we would like, that darned weather just isn't cooperating. but we did go hang out today. lee met us up there and that makes for the perfect time to take pictures. i don't have to watch to make sure one of them isn't drowning and get to take their pictures.

payton's thing this year is to "walk" the pool. he probably would go the entire way around the pool if he ever figures out there is more on the other side of the ladder. he moves one hand to the side then the second to beside the first. then over, beside, over, beside until he gets from the steps at the 3 foot to the ladder at the 6 foot.

story of my life, payton running away from me.

tayte has discovered jumping in. i am so glad because that is when they have the most fun. each and every time he jumps in from the side he yells "i believe i can fly." comes up out of the water wipes his face and does it again.

it looks like he is praying, but really he is "diving" i think. he puts his hands like this and then jumps in feet first.

baylee has decided that playing the various big kid games, most involving a football, are the most fun and the best way to occupy his time while at the pool. he is getting too big, too quick. just the other day i swear he was scared of the water. now he hangs out with the big kids and plays all those big kid games. but luckily for me he reminds me "no matter how big i get i will always be your baby." yes i have told him that a time or two hundred.

he was so proud of himself after this. "i swam the whole way and didn't hold my nose." lee has been giving him grief about that. i don't blame him i was the same way. i hate water in my nose.

we love hanging out at the pool. this year's goal: get tayte off the diving board. he might just do it.

tara