Wednesday, December 3, 2008

one year ago today my dad went to the hospital for the last time...

one year ago today i left my house early so i could help get my dad in the car to go to his new doctor. we got him in my mother's car. i told him i love him and would see him later. then i went to work. that was the last time i ever saw him conscious. struggling to get in a car in his driveway. so weak that when he finally got in he was having a difficult time breathing. a man who was raised on a farm, a man that could manual labor and keep up with the best of them, a man whose body was tired.
later i got the call that no one ever wants to get. i answer my phone and all i hear is screaming. there is nothing being said that is comprehensible. somehow i was told or figured out that they were on soncy. where i had no clue. i left my kids at the store and went towards soncy. somehow i found them at furrs. when i got out of my car they were trying to get him in the ambulance. time stopped, but it seemed like days past before we got to the hospital. funny how time can do that. while we were waiting in the parking lot a cop came and starting asking lots of questions. didn't he know that i didn't want to answer those questions, all i wanted was to watch what they were doing to my dad. what was taking soooo long. your brain stops working and your emotions take over. you don't think about anything logical, your heart tells you that all the things they need to save him are at the hospital. i did ask the cop what was taking so long. he replied my dad wasn't stable to travel. that scared me. finally we left and the cop told me not to follow to close, not to run red lights, all these things not to do. seriously, who cared at that point? we made it to the hospital and they had him in the er. again it was forever before they could let us go back and see him. the tore his favorite black jacket. they ripped his longhorn shirt.
they take him to icu. they only let a few of us in there at a time so many of us have to wait in the waiting room. time again stops. sometime that night they shaved his mustache. just like now i had a meltdown. i had to leave the room. i was told it would grow back, but that never happened. when i was little my dad had to shave his mustache for a new job. i freaked out and wouldn't go to him, he wasn't my dad. he later got a new job and grew his mustache out again and never completely shaved it again. i still have the hair that they collected after shaving it.
tayte walked in while i was typing this looked at me and asked why i was crying. i told him it was because i am sad. he said no you are sad because your dad died. i guess when you never cry your kids remember the one thing that makes you cry even a year later.
if you are able scroll through my playlist until you get to the song you can let go now. it really is my story. even though i was not and still am not ready.
today is hard. tomorrow will be harder.