Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
my glasses to this day are really super thick. even with all the advances with eyeglass technology there are still thick. i have -6.75 vision. i don't know what legally blind is but i really think i am close.
so i have been having problems lately with my eyes. first they were really sensitive to the light, even with my sunglasses on i had to squint. well the reason is i have corneal clouding. my contacts were suffocating my eyes. not letting enough oxygen in. so instead of the regular way light enters your eye, mine was coming in and spreading out. apparently that is not good. so i got new contacts that let in more oxygen.
you would think that all my problems would be solved. no. i was driving home tonight. this was the first day wearing my new contacts and i discovered that if i close my right eye i can't see crap. i can see the speedometer just fine, but anything past that not so much. don't worry if i kept both eyes open i could see fine 20/20 even. so i guess i get to make another visit to the eye doctor.
i'm really considering that lasix thing. but i am nervous. i really need to do my research. until then i will remain a slave to the contact lense. you rarely see me with my glasses, only when my eyes are killing me.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
i only have 5600+ photos to organize on my passport. i started with 12,000.
then i have to go in and organize all the folders i have made. i am tired of organizing photos.
i got to go to a friend's house on saturday and scrapbook. i didn't have any pictures. that is not they way i work. i had the hardest time making pages that will have a picture later. people do that all the time, but not me. i definitely have to add some more stuff to them when i add photos.
i am addicted to facebook. i know i have mentioned it before, but i seriously get on everytime i check my email. and i check my email regularly throughout the day because of work. i apparently am more of a habit person than i thought. check work email, personal email, check blogs, and then facebook. i know i am a loser, i hear it on a daily basis.
baylee got his progress report for this six weeks. already. it seems like time is in warp speed. poor kid has his dad's handwriting, and the grade proves. other than that and his math grade his lowest grade was a 94. gotta find out what is with the math grade. he had a high 90 something at the end of last semester.
tayte is just being tayte. he had learned how to text people, but doesn't know what he is doing. today he texted lee "tayte." he types his name and pushes send. lee texted him back "hi tayte. i hope you are having a good day." when i told tayte that he looked at me and said, "i just spelled my name and hit the blue button." he has such a dry sense of humor for someone his age. he is going to be funny to watch grow up.
payton knows how to get the wii ready to play. you don't just turn it on and play. you have to change the channel also. i walked in the living room this morning and the wii was ready to go. it was only him and i at home. he is really smart and it scares the dickens out of me. he looks at you and smiles that orny smile, because he has something going on in his head.
lee spends most of his time playing that darn game. i am glad because that was the whole reason for the computer. he puts the headphones on because he doesn't want his boys listening to a war zone. i don't get it. they can see but not hear?
we lead such a boring life sometimes. other times there is not a single minute that is restful. i need more consistency. i think.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
he will be the death of me.
he is driving me crazy.
but, he is a caring, thoughtful, and a sweet child. he just has to be in the mood. he is very polite and will say thank you for anything. he will tell you he is sorry if he has done something wrong. he will pick up a toy and give it to his brother. many times he has taken tayte's cup to tayte without being asked.
the other night the boys were in our bed watching tv. payton took his "me" and covered tayte up.
i am a hussy. i hop from one man's bed to the next without a second thought.
in fact, i do this with the blessing of my husband.
for those of you that haven't figured this out yet i mean my boys. last night i slept with tayte. i went in their room to kiss them all good night. as i was getting ready to leave tayte asked if i would sleep with them. i went into my room to grab my favorite blanket and pillow. lee was getting comfy in a bed without me. he didn't even make a fuss. it was several years ago lee did complain.
"why do you always sleep with them when they ask?"
i looked at him and replied, "because one day they won't ask."
after that comment lee doesn't say a word. he even lets all three of the boys in our bed with me and he will sleep in one of their beds.
there are several things that baylee has already quit doing. he is growing up too fast. he is too cool for some things.
but he still asks me to sleep with him. and each time he does i will, because it makes me sad that one day he won't ask. and that day is getting closer, every night.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
apparently i have found that i have several addictions. most of them are harmless. most of them are only funny to me. i have been at the store all night making comments about one of my addictions.
- dr. pepper
- flair on facebook (yes i have joined all other 30 something losers who are on facebook)
- checking email, blog, and facebook-a couple of times a day, or maybe and hour.
i also have decided that i have adult add. this is not diagnosed by a dr. i have self diagnosed this and am very sure that i have this. the other thing could be that i am turning in a snarky old woman. i am really to young to be as snarky as i am. i think some of it, or really most of it is, my personality. i don't have the patience for a bunch of stuff. and maybe i should work on that. or maybe not.
another random thing is watching the boys playing wii. i love watching them play. it is so funny to watch them. baylee swings the remote and looks like he is riding a pretend horse. tayte runs in place any time that he has to run with the controllers. payton thinks he can do anything that his brothers can do so he is constantly fighting for a controller. i love it. i am so glad we got the wii. we spend tons of family time on it. santa really knew what he was doing.
Monday, January 12, 2009
well while we were at grandma's funeral dinner he either fell or when i picked him up he hurt his arm. for the rest of saturday his arm hung by his side.
sunday he slowly started to use it but you could tell he was favoring it.
i called the doctor to make an appointment to have him seen and the stinkbug really starts using his arm.
when she held his arm to look at it, he pulled away. not that hurts kinda pull. a i am fine so i don't want you to touch me pull. we talked about it and she tried to look at it. every detail i gave her made her more convinced that he pulled his elbow out of socket. there was no swelling so she thought no need to do an x-ray. so we left with a kid who was fine. i think it is all part of his master plan to drive me to the funny farm.
this is the second time this has happened. he falls hurts himself and apparently falls again and is better. the doctor says he should grow out of this, i hope he does.
baylee had a hard time at the funeral. when we pulled up to the church he asked if this was a funeral church. the 2 times he remembers going there have been for funerals. we were half way through the mass when he started crying. not a silent cry, but not a loud wailing. when we talked about it later he told me he was sad that he didn't get to know her better. that is what a wonderful woman she was. he had figured out that he missed out on a great thing. i hope that he keeps the memories he has of her. we also talked about how her sight was going and she could do the crafting that she loved to do. when he realized how horrible it would be to not be able to do the things you loved because your body was tired, he felt better about her leaving us.
one of my cousins and i were reading her obituary. we learned some things about our grandma that day. isn't it funny you know someone your whole life but don't know everything about her. she was born in fort worth and lived in claude. i swear she lived her whole life on the farm. that night i learned that she collected silver dollars. is it luck or did she plan to have one for every child and grandchild? i will cherish mine. one of my uncles said it best "it could be worth $15-20, but i wouldn't take $100 for it. it has more sentimental value." i learned something about him that night too.
i got to see family that i haven't seen in years. one of my cousins made the comment "how did a blind deaf lady get so much done." i agree with my aunt "grandma knew which job to give to each person." that is how she got so much done. and the threat of a cherry switch helped keep everyone afraid of her wrath.
i told someone today that i was going to declare today a new year and start 2009 off again. but now that i am typing this i realized that even though this year started out crappy i have learned a lot. and if i undid this year i would lose those lessons. so i hope the year gets better, because i don't want to change it, i just don't want it to keep going in this direction.
my grandma watched over me here on earth. if it is permitted i hope she continues to watch over me from heaven.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
as i wait at hospice with several of my family members we remember our fond memories of grandma. it is nice to hear what stands out in each person's mind. there have been a lot of "oh i remember that" and "oh yeahs". a brilliant person had the idea to give grandma birthday cards with $5 in it for her last birthday. aunt cindy brought the cards to the hospital for everyone to read. she also said that as she read the cards to her at home later it only took her about 3 cards for figure out she was getting lots of $5 bills. there were several things that stood out for a lot of people: the juicy fruit gum, getting a coke at the elevator, her wonderful cooking especially her cobbler, gardening, and playing on the farm.
my grandma is an amazing woman. the things she has seen and lived through. the lives she has touched. it was wonderful to see how many of those cards mentioned that she is part of the reason that grandchild is who he/she is today. she is strong. she is caring. she is loved by so many. with so many grandchildren i never felt as though i was just another grandchild. she made me feel unique. she was so good about calling me and checking up on me and the boys. i am sure that she did that for everyone, but she made the time.
it is hard to watch her children. as a grandchild you expect this, it doesn't make it easy. you don't have the same connection as a child does, you visit and go home. but to be raised by someone and have to watch them die is hard. you can see the pain in each child's face. praying that she gets her wish, but still wanting to not have to let go. they have all been through this before, but i don't think that makes it any easier. my heart goes out to them.
it is quiet up there. which would disturb me if i were in that bed. grandma never had it quiet. if there weren't 100 of us running around making noise she had the tv blarring.
grandma, i love you. i pray for your wish to be granted daily. say hi to my dad for me (if it is permitted). i have the rosary you gave me ready-which i know i should be using it for you right now. you are a wonderful woman that i hope to one day be a fraction as good as you.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
everyone one is putting in their requests for my grandma to do when she gets to heaven. my aunt cindy wants her to kick my dad in the butt, aunt evelyn wants her to tell some of her friends she is still here, and others have put in their wishes. grandma will listen and then say i will do that "if it is permitted." she is not about to go to heaven and break the rules. she will find out what the way of heaven is before she goes around doing anyone's wish.
my boys got to see her. we could have spent all day there and no one complained. that is one of the hardest things about hospitals is that the kids aren't allowed to be around. they didn't get to be around my dad like this. i wish they had been able to say their goodbyes to their grandparent like i have been able to. but on the other hand when we first got there you could tell that the boys were uncomfortable by how sickly my grandma looked. i was so proud of them when it came time to go that they went up to her and kissed and hugged her goodbye without any fuss. we have been training them for awhile, they never get to leave without telling someone goodbye.
gotta go finish dinner-"if it is permitted"
Saturday, January 3, 2009
i am ready for the boys to go back to school, for the routine again. i need my routine back. my laundry is piling up. i usually do a load or two before i pick up tayte from school. i try to get something going for dinner before i get him, but that doesn't always happen either.
here is to more good days like this.
my 2009 is off to a rocky start. well so far it really sucks. i really want to dig a hole and not come out. yesterday my grandma (my dad's mom) was put in the hospital. she was moved to hospice today and the doctors don't give her long. i joke about it, but i hope that my grandma doesn't live much longer. not in a cold heartless way. in a compassionate don't want to see her in the suffering state she is in. she told me to tell baylee to pray that "grandma gets her wish." i pray that her wish is granted soon.
today was a hard day. my grandma refused to go to hospice until my mother and i talked. that lady is one stubborn lady (probably where some of my stubbornness comes from). this situation made me feel guilty for a variety of reasons. 1. that my grandma's big concern on her deathbed is my relationship with my mother. 2. that the time she has left she is not telling her kids and grandkids the things she should be telling them-i don't want anyone not to say what they need to say to her because she feels the need to have a pow-wow. 3. that people in my family have to have that akward feeling because of all of this.
i did something today that does not show my best light. i did speak my peace about most things. i made a promise and kept it. actually i made two promises today and did not put a time on the second promise, but do intend to keep it in time. i am not ashamed of what i did. in hindsight it probably was not the best place to do this, but probably the only chance of it happening. in my defense i was not escorted out of the hospital. i walked out by myself. i was asked to take it outside, but the situation was over anyway. i could see that there was not going to be a positive outcome.
2008 was a hard year for me. i have grown a lot. i have changed a lot. i am happy and content with where i am. many people in my family think that i need therapy-it has come up several times this year. i am not any crazier than i was before my dad died. i just don't have the time or the energy for all the crap.
hoping your 2009 is all that you hope for.