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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

one year ago today my dad went to the hospital for the last time...

one year ago today i left my house early so i could help get my dad in the car to go to his new doctor. we got him in my mother's car. i told him i love him and would see him later. then i went to work. that was the last time i ever saw him conscious. struggling to get in a car in his driveway. so weak that when he finally got in he was having a difficult time breathing. a man who was raised on a farm, a man that could manual labor and keep up with the best of them, a man whose body was tired.
later i got the call that no one ever wants to get. i answer my phone and all i hear is screaming. there is nothing being said that is comprehensible. somehow i was told or figured out that they were on soncy. where i had no clue. i left my kids at the store and went towards soncy. somehow i found them at furrs. when i got out of my car they were trying to get him in the ambulance. time stopped, but it seemed like days past before we got to the hospital. funny how time can do that. while we were waiting in the parking lot a cop came and starting asking lots of questions. didn't he know that i didn't want to answer those questions, all i wanted was to watch what they were doing to my dad. what was taking soooo long. your brain stops working and your emotions take over. you don't think about anything logical, your heart tells you that all the things they need to save him are at the hospital. i did ask the cop what was taking so long. he replied my dad wasn't stable to travel. that scared me. finally we left and the cop told me not to follow to close, not to run red lights, all these things not to do. seriously, who cared at that point? we made it to the hospital and they had him in the er. again it was forever before they could let us go back and see him. the tore his favorite black jacket. they ripped his longhorn shirt.
they take him to icu. they only let a few of us in there at a time so many of us have to wait in the waiting room. time again stops. sometime that night they shaved his mustache. just like now i had a meltdown. i had to leave the room. i was told it would grow back, but that never happened. when i was little my dad had to shave his mustache for a new job. i freaked out and wouldn't go to him, he wasn't my dad. he later got a new job and grew his mustache out again and never completely shaved it again. i still have the hair that they collected after shaving it.
tayte walked in while i was typing this looked at me and asked why i was crying. i told him it was because i am sad. he said no you are sad because your dad died. i guess when you never cry your kids remember the one thing that makes you cry even a year later.
if you are able scroll through my playlist until you get to the song you can let go now. it really is my story. even though i was not and still am not ready.
today is hard. tomorrow will be harder.

tara

5 comments:

Kari said...

Tara, I can't begin to understand all the emotions that you are feeling even a year later, I imagine that these will be around for years to come. I hope and pray that someday you can look back on this sad anniversary and not think of the "lasts" that were so painful and horrific, but look upon this day to remember all the good fun things that you had in your dad. They do say time heals...and I know if it were me... ten years would still be like yesterday if it were my dad. I am sorry....

Rebecca said...

{{{Tara}}}

Thank you for sharing this post. It was good to think back about him working on the farm. I remember throwing him off the hay truck as I struggled to learn to drive that old Chevy...I remember the stories about catching the lake on fire...I remember 42. And I remember how hard those days last year were for me...I can't eve begin to imagine what you must be feeling and struggling with. I'm sorry that I can't do or say anything to ease your pain. Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. {{{HUGS}}}

Jennifer said...

I don't have the right words to say. I can only say that you are loved by so many. I hope you can feel our love surround you now and always.

I wish I had had the courage to stand up and speak that night before Dick's funeral. I would have said how much I loved your family... your mom... your dad... the whole crew! I loved working with Dick. I laughed everyday that I worked at the pharmacy. He was a great teacher and encourager. I remember him encouraging me to go to college... to fulfill a dream. He was so supportive. I loved the way that he would say... "well, hello Jennifer" anytime he saw me. The way he said it would make me smile and laugh every time. He was a great person, Tara. I am blessed that I had an opportunity to really get to know him. More importantly, to really get to know your whole family.

I hope and pray for healing for you and your entire family. You will be thought of over these next few days. Please call if you need anything.

~jen

Stacey said...

I can not imagine how you feel. I think my relationship with my dad is alot like you and your dad and I can't imagine your pain. I am so sorry for your loss. I do hope that with each passing year, that you feel more peace and remember the good days.
When we leave this earth we offically mark our time here with our name and the date we were born and the date we passed away. But what is really important is that we are proud of our name and the way we lived between those two dates. It isn't how long we live, but how we lived and our relationships with our loved ones and our friends that are really important. I know that your dad was a man that was much loved and well thought of. Try to remember all the good dates and times tomorrow and I think you will have lots of good memories to focus on. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am praying that tomorrow will bring you a little more peace and a smile or two when you think back about your daddy. I know you miss him much and would give anything to have him with you, but know that he is in your heart and he is always with you.

Love you much!!!

Tammy said...

Tara - my heart is with you today as in everyday. The first anniversary is always the hardest. Love you bunches.