trayce

so i made it through today.

i even managed to put on a "happy face" at times.

but mind you today was not a happy day for me. let me take you back to what happened a year ago. on the worst day of my life....

lee and i woke up early. we got the kids ready for school and took them to a friend's house for her to take them to school. then we drove in silence to the hospital. i stared blankly out the window with tears streaming down my face.

once we got to the hospital we went to the third floor, told the nurses our names. and the sad looks started. the hushed whispers. we were told to wait in the waiting room for my room to be ready. from what i remember it was a busy night and there was an issue if my room would be ready at all. i sat there and watched people happily walk by with the stuffed bears. the balloons. all the things that i would not be having.

after what seemed like hours we were taken to my room. and the nurse started getting my prepped for the day. "i'm sorry," she kept repeating. "how are you doing?" she kept asking. "fine" was the only thing i could muster. when what i wanted to yell was "how do you think i am doing?" i knew she hated this part of her job, who wouldn't? i kept telling her how much this must suck for her going to work knowing that i was coming. i constantly reminded myself that she was doing the worst part of her job that day. babysitting me.

finally, i was all hooked up to monitors and iv's and ready for the doctor to come in and give me the medicine to start the delivery process.

yes, today was the day that i was to deliver my baby. my baby that i would not be taking home. my baby that the day before i was told had no heartbeat. my baby that was so small he could fit in the palm of my hand.

finally, after what seemed like the longest day, that night i delivered trayce kannon ogletree.

i am not the same person that walked into that hospital a year ago. i have changed so much that i wonder if there are any similarities between the two.

over the last year i have run the spectrum of feelings, numbness, anger, guilt, you name it i felt it. those first few weeks i really just walked through life numb. not really caring about anything. i ate very little, in fact i only ate when lee would bring me something and only then did i eat enough for him to notice that some was gone. i just really didn't care. i would be lying if i said i wasn't angry at God. because i was. i questioned Him daily. why me? hadn't i been through enough already? whatever i had done hadn't i paid enough already? what lesson was i supposed to get out of this, because really i don't think it was going to teach me anything. and of course there was the guilt that i had done something wrong. so horrible that the only punishment for me was to have my child taken from me. was this my punishment for only wanting boys. each time i was pregnant i never hoped for a healthy baby, i always hoped for a boy.

i still wonder about a lot of things. i still don't understand. i probably never will.

today though, i wonder who trayce would be if he were here. he would be about 7 months old. would he look like me or lee, or be a combination? would he be quiet or loud? would he get excited when his brothers entered the room?

who would he have been when he grew up?

i also would be lying if i said i thought of him everyday. i guess i'm just a horrible mom. there are days that go by and he never crosses my mind. i get so caught up in the activities of our lives that i just don't think about him. and some of those days as i lay in bed and see the white box of his things sitting beside my bed i have a whole new flood of guilt hit me. what kind of mother had a child and doesn't think about him daily?

but when i do think of him, i wonder... does he know how much i do love him? is he sitting with my dad? does he have the same experience the other boys have with my dad? does he know how sorry i am?

so i am not the same person i was a year ago. i am the mother of 4 boys. and although i think all my boys are angels, one just happens to be in heaven. looking down on me and saying "one day..."

tara