Saturday, January 3, 2009

it's a new year

i hope that you have a great new year.

my 2009 is off to a rocky start. well so far it really sucks. i really want to dig a hole and not come out. yesterday my grandma (my dad's mom) was put in the hospital. she was moved to hospice today and the doctors don't give her long. i joke about it, but i hope that my grandma doesn't live much longer. not in a cold heartless way. in a compassionate don't want to see her in the suffering state she is in. she told me to tell baylee to pray that "grandma gets her wish." i pray that her wish is granted soon.

today was a hard day. my grandma refused to go to hospice until my mother and i talked. that lady is one stubborn lady (probably where some of my stubbornness comes from). this situation made me feel guilty for a variety of reasons. 1. that my grandma's big concern on her deathbed is my relationship with my mother. 2. that the time she has left she is not telling her kids and grandkids the things she should be telling them-i don't want anyone not to say what they need to say to her because she feels the need to have a pow-wow. 3. that people in my family have to have that akward feeling because of all of this.

i did something today that does not show my best light. i did speak my peace about most things. i made a promise and kept it. actually i made two promises today and did not put a time on the second promise, but do intend to keep it in time. i am not ashamed of what i did. in hindsight it probably was not the best place to do this, but probably the only chance of it happening. in my defense i was not escorted out of the hospital. i walked out by myself. i was asked to take it outside, but the situation was over anyway. i could see that there was not going to be a positive outcome.

2008 was a hard year for me. i have grown a lot. i have changed a lot. i am happy and content with where i am. many people in my family think that i need therapy-it has come up several times this year. i am not any crazier than i was before my dad died. i just don't have the time or the energy for all the crap.

hoping your 2009 is all that you hope for.