prayer request

one of my great employee's husband passed away sunday. i have known lanette for at least three years, well before i bought the store. she is a wonderful lady, who would do anything for you. i got a phone call from her on friday saying she wouldn't be at work on saturday because steve was back in the hospital. he had been in the hospital several times over the past year, but i could tell by her voice that this time was different. i didn't know him well, but what little i did know proved he was a good man. it was too young, only 54.

they have 2 sons, thankfully both are somewhat grown, at least out of school. please pray for them because the path they are now on is not an easy one and any prayers for them would help.

thanks,
tara

wii had a great christmas

sorry i haven't posted earlier. explanation to follow.


santa brought the boys a wii and they have had a blast ever since. we spent all day playing with the toys, games, and wii that he left.


fyi: that stocking of tayte's grandma did not make. i did. it is no where near the quality of grandma's, but the same love went into it. it was my first one and i have to remind myself of that everytime i look at it compared to the others. i did finish lee's this year. so i have two stocking under my belt. i will not be taking orders unless you are fine getting yours in 2-3 years. that's how long it takes me.


each boy got clothes from lee and i, much to their excitement. tayte was too tired to open present so he laid down on the couch for half of his presents.


baylee decided last year that he wanted to buy his brothers a gift and he did the same this year. i insisted that the boys each other board games which was a big hit. we got piranha panic, rhino rampage, guess who extra, cooties, don't break the ice, ants in my pants, and wack-a-mole tower. i would suggest any of these games, we have been playing them a lot, the biggest hit being the don't break the ice. some of these games were from santa we didn't let them buy each other that many. don't break the ice makes a nice ice world for the galactic heroes they got.


i really loved how well the boys played together on christmas. that truly was the best gift. a day with no fighting.

the wii was big fun for us all. i am a super bowler in case you were wondering. papa gave the boys money so they bought extra games. for only have the thing a week they already have a large collection of games. last night we played mario party as a family so it was a blast. here the boys are playing the star wars clone wars light saber duel.






contrary to what it may look we have not had a light saber catastrophe yet.

baylee got the a.t t.e from star wars and was super excited about that. the other boys got more star wars galactic heroes, so for the third year we have had a star wars christmas.

lee got a new computer hence the delay in blogging. here is the problem: we are old school and not wireless in our house. the old computer that i save all my photos on is upstairs not next to the connection. so i finally got my photos from my computer to the portable hard drive santa left me so i could get the photos to my blog. and i don't feel right blogging without photos. i like the extra they add. lee loves his new computer so that is what matters. i don't want to slow down his new computer with the almost 12,000 photos i have already on my hard drive. that is from 2005, holy photo batman that's a lot of pictures.

i made coffee cake with the help of payton. luckily only it was only us that ate this because payton put cinnamon on the biscuit and then licked it off, but still threw it in the pan.

tara

merry christmas

merry christmas to all. i hope everyone had a wonderful day.
one thing we heard in church last night was that the lights on the houses and trees are to resemble the stars the night the angels filled the sky to tell of the birth of jesus. i thought that was really cool because before we went to church we went looking at the lights around town. we may try to make that a yearly tradition.

tara

cookies for santa

rebecca asked what was a christmas tradition we have. so every year for at least the last five years(it could be longer, not sure how old baylee was the first time, but we have done it every year since we started) we have decorated cookies for santa. this year i bought the already cut sugar cookies that all you have to do is bake them. i am really impressed at how well they turned out. to be honest i was a little disappointed at how small they were but in the end they were perfect. small enough where the boys got them all decorated before getting bored. this year we made another change, the accordian tube things from pampered chef. those are the best. if you decorate or plan on decorating cookies with your kids these are a must. i ordered replacement tips so each one could have the circle because i wasn't sure how the fancy tips would work. baylee and i played around with them after we were done and he could make some of the fancy shapes. i will be ordering another set of 3 for next year, i may even get 2 sets. payton could even squeeze the tubes.

tayte hated the tubes said they were too hard, but once i held the end and let him squeeze like baylee was he had a blast. i think it was more that he couldn't do it like baylee.

i always go way over board with sprinkles and toppings we have so many left over each year.

and in the end we had the "drinking" of the left over icing. that was a wonderfully nutritious breakfast.

when i asked tayte if he wanted some he said "no tanks." i just don't get that kid sometimes.

i have learned that if you put a large piece of foil down for each kid most of the sprinkles stay on there and makes clean up a breeze. wad up the foil and throw it away.

the cookies chosen for santa. i am sure he will enjoy them.

tara

texter

i really thought i had at least 5 more years until i had to tell baylee

no more texting.

really he is only 7. he asked about texting the other day. so i let him have my phone and told him to text a message to lee's phone. within a few minutes and several texts later we got to our destination and i took the phone from him.

the next day we were going to amarillo. we decided to eat lunch with lee. i gave baylee the phone so he could text lee to find out where he wanted to eat. then i told baylee to give me my phone so i could get it to aunt rachael's number so he could text her and let her know we would be late. "i already got it, thanks." seriously he figured out how to change people and went wild. in the last 2 days he has probably sent 20 texts. i see unlimited texting in our future. or maybe the newness will wear off and we won't have to worry about it. i also see that i will be communicating with my son through texts. for those of you already there, do you draw the line at yelling at them through texts? lol. the whole thing is so unreal for my to believe it is already starting.

tara

holiday treats

baylee and i spent the good part of the afternoon making holiday goodies.
i am grateful that lee just grabs the camera now. it used to be that i would have to ask him to get it, but he just thinks about it himself. so i am in pictures. he hates the new lense, but he has gotten to where he doesn't complain about it anymore. so i am happy about that.
i just got the new holiday treat cookbook from pampered chef and love it. we made a couple out of there, a cookie that has become our party taker, and a recipe i got from a customer.

we had a rice crispie ornament, chocolate covered brownie with candy cane, the easiest turtles ever, and the mini version of our big cookie. i think they look wonderful. i hope everyone enjoys them as much as baylee and i enjoyed making them. i bought the plate at the dollar store and it held som of the things in fours other things in only twos, so we had to use fancy(not really fancy) styrofoam plates for the rest of the goodies.


there was a huge mess that i tried to vote everyone else clean up, but i ended up cleaning it all up.


tara

surprised

last night i got home late. i went into the boys room to kiss them goodnight and much to my surprise my son had a tattoo. well not one but several. he looked like a "hell's angel" as his teacher today described him. he had them everywhere. two on his stomache, two one each arm, and my personal favorite is one on his neck. i am not opposed to tattoos, but this was crazy. he was so excited about them that today at school he lifted his shirt, pulled up his sleeves, and showed his neck to every teacher that would look. oh, such a proud mother am i.

stomache tattoos

neck tattoo

tara

rumor mill

this has been bugging me for days so maybe by venting here i will finally find peace about it. there is nothing i hate more than rumors. now i am not going to say that i never partake in gossip. if i don't know something to be fact then i will preface it with "this is what i heard, but i don't know if it is true." and usually it is that someone was caught doing this or that. but, it drives me crazy for someone to say something that could have a negative effect on someone. if what you have to say will be hurtful then keep your mouth shut. sorry that is my psa for the day.

tara

christmas frenzy begins

we had the first of our many christmas celebrations tonight, actually our second, but this was the first one that involved the kids. we went to our church ate dinner and visited. then santa showed up. he sat with each of the kids and listened to what they wanted.

baylee went first in our group. he jumped right up and told santa "i want a wii." they visited for a minute and then he got down.

tayte jumped up talked to santa for a while. santa asked what he wanted and tayte told him "i want a wii." this was suprising because up to this point he has said i want a video gamecube. when i told him we have one and what else he wanted he said "we have a gamecube i want a video gamecube." don't ask me what the difference is because he never told me.

payton wanted nothing to do with santa and lee tried to get him a picture by himself. it wasn't pretty.

baylee ran off and i wanted to get a picture with all three so baylee got to stand in line a second time while the rest of us just hung around and visited. when we got up there payton again wanted nothing to do with santa so all five of us got our picture taken with santa. lee holding payton as far from santa as possible.

when we were leaving i told payton to tell santa bye. he walked right up to him furrowed his brow and yelled "sanda. sanda." waved at him, opened his arms for a hug, let santa pick him up, and then wanted to kiss santa. go figure. the kid who wanted nothing to do with him i guess wanted to make sure santa knew he was a good little boy.

tara

baylee's first guitar lesson

baylee was super excited about his guitar lesson. i called home because i knew i wasn't going to get here before they went to bed. he told me all about his guitar lesson. 4,4,4, something or other, 5,4,4, this is the g cord, high e cord. i was really impressed in how much he learned in 30 minutes. he even put me on speaker phone and played a little jingle bells. when he was done i told him the jonas brothers better watch out. which apparently was the exact same thing lee said to him. his teacher is here only until february, which means we can figure out if this is a phase and be done or i will be searching for a new teacher. he really does look cute with his guitar.

tara

my grandma

i did go see my grandma tonight. the whole time i was there i kept seeing the same mannerisms that my dad had. i have always thought that of all my grandma's kids my dad was the most like her. her health is bad. she had that old lady hair that shows you really don't care. strangely enough she had the same hair as my dad. i think donnie has the same receding hairline. the kind that goes way back on both sides but stays at your forehead in the middle.

she sits like my dad with her arms crossed leaning on the table.
coughs just like him with that heaving shoulder thing.

it is funny how these things stood out. i am sure that any of her kids or grandkids could relate her mannerisms to their parent. it was refreshing to see those things again even though they are in a different person.

you can tell she is tired.

when i apoligized for not going to visit she said "i know you are busy and you have a lot going on." i told her that was not a good excuse. she said "well no one else comes either, if you don't have time you can call." so this is my nagging you that are family to go visit grandma, or at least call. but you really should go, it is amazing watching her and cindy together. definite role reversal there. it makes you have faith in people that there are still some that don't send their parents to a nursing home.

tara

its iphone girl

that is how my oldest son greeted me this evening when i got home from work. i used to be a gadget girl. then i went away from it. but now i am back. i usually don't spend money like we have been, but i got a deal on this one. this is how it worked:

daniel gets iphone
i get camera
sell old camera to rachael
daniel gets new job at cell phone place
rachael won't let daniel keep iphone because won't work with new job
tara gets iphone as trade for old camera
everyone happy:)-except daniel who has to use a blackberry pearl :(

so baylee now thinks i am cool because i have an iphone. that is my goal in life for my oldest son to think i am cool(not really, i have never really cared if anyone thought i was cool). i really like it. to bad i hardly get any phone calls on my cell phone. but there are so many other things i can do with it so i am super excited.

tara aka iphone girl

everyone else is doing it...

since everyone else is posting on the weather i thought i would follow suit. it snowed yesterday(ours was here before we went to school-teasing aaron trying to get sympathy from rebecca) and baylee asked me "what is your favorite thing about snow?" that is his thing lately, asking my favorite this or my favorite that. i have intentions of one day making a list of a lot of my favorites. i always get those emails that ask and i am bad about sending them back. i need to take the time to do it. anyway, back to baylee's question. my answer was that it doesn't snow all the time. i think i broke his heart. i had to explain how hard it was to drive in snow, you have to get up earlier than usual when it snows, and remind him how much i hate being cold. that didn't work. he had that excitement that kids get about the snow and wanted me to have it too. he asked several times what my favorite thing about snow was until i gave in and came up with something he approved of. here is to a winter of little snow.

tara

horrible grandchild

once every two weeks for a long time i would go to my grandma's house and clean. then i bought the store and i quit cleaning. i miss the talks with my grandma. she would follow me from room to room and we would talk about whatever or whoever. the boys would go with me and play with her. i got some great pictures of her and the boys. i am sure these will be some of the pictures i cherish for the rest of my life.

now to the title of this post. she has moved in with my aunt and uncle. i don't go visit like a should, hence the horrible grandchild. part of it is that i don't make the time like i should. it is a lot more convenient with her being in amarillo, but i still don't go visit. the other part is that i guess it is confirmation that she is not doing well. her being in cindy's house. they tried to get as much of the furniture from the farm in that one room and it is scary how much like the farm that one room looks. that is the excuse i use to make myself feel better. you have pictures of how things are supposed to be and this new image does not fit that picture.

so i am making a new year's resolution at the end of the year. so i guess it becomes an old year's resolution. i will go visit my grandma. i am not sure how often, but i am going. this week. no more excuses.

i'll let you know when i go.

tara, the horrible grandchild

reasons why i married this man

i am extremely lucky to have lee. he sent flowers on thursday. he does stuff like that. he gets harrassed by his friends, because his friends don't think about things like that. and of course their wives make comments, which they should. he spends time with his kids and it shows. we went out the other night when the planets were next to the moon and looked through baylee's telescope. that is something that i wouldn't have done on my own, it was cold.

baylee is observant like that too. i hope that he learns lots from his dad on how to treat the woman he marries. he is learning to be a great father too(hopefully we still have decades before that happens.) he cares for his brothers. in fact last night he wanted to do something and i told him we needed to eat dinner first. lee and i were talking about what we were going to do for dinner. lee suggested the leftover pizza. baylee went to the fridge, got it out, and heated it up. not just his piece but slices for both his brothers. lee and i being good parents sat on the couch and watched.

lee is a good man and a great father. i am lucky to be married to him.

tara

a year has passed.

a year has passed since i sat in that hospital room that one night, just me and dad. the night nurse was phenomenal. all night she would come in and touch my dad while she looked at those machines. she was patient with me as i asked my questions, she kept my hopes up because during that time hope is what you need. the nurses knew more than they were telling and they were trying to comfort the one person who would remember this time. i am sure now that i was in denial. denial of what was more than likely to be the outcome of this visit. i would sit in the chair. then move to his bedside. then up against the wall. then back to the bed. every time i touched him his back would arch, he would tense up and his eyes would roll to the back of his head. i can still vividly see that image in my head. the nurse tried to comfort me and tell me that there were two possible reasons: one, the medicine they had given him in the er was finally wearing off and he was reacting to my touch, or two, he had gone too long without oxygen to the brain. it was the second reason. sometime in the early morning my mother came back to the hospital and i went home. i tried to sleep because i knew the next day was going to be just as long as the first.

around 8 in the morning the phone rang. lee answered it. after he hung up he told me we needed to get to the hospital. "oh crap" that was all i said. i knew this was the end and all i could say was "oh crap."

when we got to the hospital there was lots of waiting. waiting for amber. it was only fair that she be given the option to be there when dad took his lasts breathes on his own. i found a window and baked in it. the warmth of that window was comforting. i would wait in dad's room. i would leave. i would go back. they had given him more medicine so he wouldn't have seizures like during the night. lots of family came and waited in that one small waiting room. there are so many of us that we could not fit, so we basically took over that hall. we have a way of doing that. i guess there is power in numbers.

the time finally came, we were all there. we each took our turn at his side. to tell him goodbye. to tell him i love you. then they removed the tube. it was the worst thing i have ever seen. and i thought dad's gangrene foot was bad. i will never witness that again. i watch my fair share of grey's anatomy and this is nothing like on the show. to watch someone turn colors, the life leave them. never again.

that night i did the hardest thing i have ever done. i told my oldest child "remember how daddy told you that papa was sick and you needed to pray for him when he dropped you off at school this morning?" i had to tell him his papa died. he looked at me screaming, wailing, crying "but i love papa." if only love could keep someone alive. for a six year old child he understood a lot.

in this year there have been many things that i have missed about my dad.

• the way he would wrap his bottom lip around his upper lip and mustache
• the way he would rest his wrist on the steering wheel as he drove
• how he put his glasses in his hat and set them on the pile of crap at the pharmacy
• how messy the pharmacy was (mark it is not normal and frankly still disturbing how clean it is behind the counter at the pharmacy)
• growing a garden with him (i don't know that i will ever be grown up enough to do one on my own)
• having to tell tayte to hush up when i told him to kiss papa goodbye (he always said papa's breath was bad)
• having dad at my side in church
• having dad at my side at baylee's basketball games
• hearing dad yell "alright, alright, alright" when he was watching a game on tv, at the football field, or playing 42
• the way he rubbed his finger on his thumb
• his daily milkshake
• the way he rubbed the boys hair from the front to the back because he believed it makes babies smarter. it stimulates the nerves in the brain
• his singing even though it was bad
• him pestering the boys all the time
• the love he had for his grandkids
• going to lunch on sundays after church
• i miss people telling me "i saw your dad getting the paper" which by itself is not that weird, the fact that he did it in his underwear is
• i miss watching him brush his hair straight back, i am thankful he never did the comb-over thing
• i am sad that he didn't get to see tayte do the hook em at the funeral home that first day
• i even miss his god awful stinky farts

the list could go on. these are the ones that i wish i could see one more time. all lot has changed in this last year. things are easier now, they say it gets easier with time. i know that my dad is still around. he tries in his own way to let me know. in fact on thanksgiving while i was taking a bath i was listening to my ipod. i had it shuffling through about 180+ songs and this is the order of songs that it played small town southern man, cowgirls don't cry, and you'll be there. i stood in the bathroom crying and yelled "enough i know that you are here." there are certain things that happen that i know he is trying to tell me it is ok. today an ambulance drove right in front of the store, to my knowledge that is the first time it has happened.

i love you dad. and will see you in time.

tara

one year ago today my dad went to the hospital for the last time...

one year ago today i left my house early so i could help get my dad in the car to go to his new doctor. we got him in my mother's car. i told him i love him and would see him later. then i went to work. that was the last time i ever saw him conscious. struggling to get in a car in his driveway. so weak that when he finally got in he was having a difficult time breathing. a man who was raised on a farm, a man that could manual labor and keep up with the best of them, a man whose body was tired.
later i got the call that no one ever wants to get. i answer my phone and all i hear is screaming. there is nothing being said that is comprehensible. somehow i was told or figured out that they were on soncy. where i had no clue. i left my kids at the store and went towards soncy. somehow i found them at furrs. when i got out of my car they were trying to get him in the ambulance. time stopped, but it seemed like days past before we got to the hospital. funny how time can do that. while we were waiting in the parking lot a cop came and starting asking lots of questions. didn't he know that i didn't want to answer those questions, all i wanted was to watch what they were doing to my dad. what was taking soooo long. your brain stops working and your emotions take over. you don't think about anything logical, your heart tells you that all the things they need to save him are at the hospital. i did ask the cop what was taking so long. he replied my dad wasn't stable to travel. that scared me. finally we left and the cop told me not to follow to close, not to run red lights, all these things not to do. seriously, who cared at that point? we made it to the hospital and they had him in the er. again it was forever before they could let us go back and see him. the tore his favorite black jacket. they ripped his longhorn shirt.
they take him to icu. they only let a few of us in there at a time so many of us have to wait in the waiting room. time again stops. sometime that night they shaved his mustache. just like now i had a meltdown. i had to leave the room. i was told it would grow back, but that never happened. when i was little my dad had to shave his mustache for a new job. i freaked out and wouldn't go to him, he wasn't my dad. he later got a new job and grew his mustache out again and never completely shaved it again. i still have the hair that they collected after shaving it.
tayte walked in while i was typing this looked at me and asked why i was crying. i told him it was because i am sad. he said no you are sad because your dad died. i guess when you never cry your kids remember the one thing that makes you cry even a year later.
if you are able scroll through my playlist until you get to the song you can let go now. it really is my story. even though i was not and still am not ready.
today is hard. tomorrow will be harder.

tara

people drive me crazy

why is it when the economy sucks, people suck too? i understand that you are pissed that you can't afford everything you want, but seriously do you have to take it out on me? owning your own business is hard on several levels when the economy is in the toilet. people become more demanding, they are not happy with the selection you have. they don't see that you, just like them, are doing everything you can to pay your bills. i actually had a lady come in a week ago and ask me, "is this all the christmas you have?" i ordered 13 different christmas lines. each line has at least 6-10 different patterned papers and several embellishments. that is at least 70 different patterns of christmas only. if you can't find something out of that you are not going to find anything at all. i am getting tired of the gotta have it now syndrome that our society has become. and not only gotta have it now it has to be exactly like i have it pictured in my head. i can't make do with what you have that could be similar. it drives me nuts. it is no wonder that stores are closing right and left.

my neighbor at the store and i were talking tonight. she had a lady come in last week and ask for something to be ready by tomorrow. my neighbor had it ready today. the lady came in and asked her why she was closed friday and saturday. she had come by both days to pick up her stuff but my neighbor wasn't open. that is when my neighbor looked at her and said "so you took off for thanksgiving too?"

if you have never worked retail you don't understand. and if you have never owned your own business you don't understand. i just wish there was a way to tell people you are being a jackass and not have to worry about them bad mouthing you. because i don't care, the customer is not always right.

thanks for letting me vent. i will try not to do this often. just one of those days.

tara

kids-parents just don't understand

why is it that you can have a toy somewhere and your kids never touch it then you move it planning to take it to the shed and they don't want to let it go? we moved the table from their room planning on getting rid of it out so we could move another table into their room. these little stinkers would not leave this table alone. it was like it was brand new and we have had it for years. i don't understand the minds of little boys.

tara